Q&A with the bird outside my window
A Ryan Email Club exclusive.
Interview: A bird
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
RYAN EMAIL CLUB: Thanks for stopping by today. I was just working here at my desk, and I saw you land on one of the branches on the tree outside.
A BIRD: Thanks. Pleasure to be here.
REC: What brought you here?
AB: You know, just checking things out. Saw some lichens and sticks and what have you, so I thought I’d hop up and see what I could find.
REC: Are those your friends over there?
AB: Yeah we kinda hang out together. If one of us sees something cool, we’ll go, “Cheep cheep.” And then we all go check it out. And that’s pretty much what we do all day.
REC: What’s the coolest thing you ever found?
AB: Well I didn’t find it, but one time Jeff found a big bag of peanuts. It must’ve been for elephants or something. It was huge. That was a good day.
REC: Which one is Jeff?
AB: I think he’s across the street. Hold on. [cheeps] [silence] He’s busy.
REC: Do you have a best friend?
AB: I mean, Jeff’s alright. I like the whole flock, to be honest. There’s only a few of us here in the tree right now, but a bunch of us like to get together at dusk to watch the sunset, and we all cheep about what we saw during the day, then we go to sleep.
REC: Where do you sleep at night?
AB: Well it’s interesting, because right now we’re starting to build new nests. There are some bushes down the street I like to sleep in, but there’s this guy in this super loud Ford Mustang who keeps parking over there, and it scares the shit out of me when he turns his car on. So I might move.
REC: I’ve seen that car. It is very noisy. I could see why that would bother you.
AB: Yeah, the driver is just this doughy, babyfaced guy. The car noise is obnoxious, but I’m kinda like, “Aww, look at the baby boy with his big red rumble bumble.” You almost want to pat him on the head and give him a peanut or something.
REC: Do you really like peanuts?
AB: They’re the best, man.
REC: Other than driving loud cars, what’s something that humans do that really annoys you?
AB: Oh I don’t know. I think humans are pretty interesting. Sometimes it’s kinda fun to just sit in a tree and watch them. It’s really funny how most of the time they just walk right by each other, but every once in a while they stop and they’re like, “Oh hello! How do you do?” And they talk about where they’re going or what they’re doing or just, like, the weather.
REC: That’s pretty normal for us.
AB: Yeah, but the thing is, you could have these conversations with literally anyone you walk by. Why are you so selective about it, you know?
REC: We usually only do it when we know someone.
AB: Huh. I guess that’s confusing to me. When do you know someone?
REC: It depends. Some people you’ve seen your whole life, like your family. Other people, you have to meet them.
AB: So if you meet someone, you know them?
REC: Yeah, in a way. Then the longer you know them, the more you get to know about them.
AB: [cocks head]
REC: Does that make sense?
AB: I’m just saying, like, I think you could do that with anyone.
REC: I guess that’s true. I guess I could meet everyone I see on the street and get to know them.
AB: You shouldn’t do that.
REC: No, definitely not.
AB: So how do you pick who you want to know?
REC: Hmm. I guess you try to know the right people, and you usually say hello when you see them.
AB: Weird. What if someone wants to know you, but you don’t want to know them?
REC: That’s tricky. You could try to avoid them, but that might be awkward and a bit rude. It’s probably best just to be nice. You just try to be polite about it, you know?
AB: So you pretend to know them just to be polite?
REC: Kinda, yeah.
AB: Hm. Would you say a lot of people think they know you when they really don’t? Do you let them think that because you think it’s polite?
REC: Excuse me, bird. I’m the one doing the interview here.
AB: Sorry.
REC: Let me turn it around on you. How do you know when you know a bird?
AB: [pauses] We just cheep when we see something cool.
REC: I see. Which way do you like it better? The human way or the bird way?
AB: They’re both good. I think my way is easier though.
REC: Last question, because I have to go back to checking my emails: Did you watch the Super Bowl last weekend?
AB: I don’t know what that is.
REC: Thanks again for your time.
AB: Of course. And let me know if you see any peanuts.
Click Roulette
The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!
CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
A database of every American’s Social Security number and bank account and routing numbers.
A Turkish woman breaking the female world record for most watermelons crushed with the thighs in one minute.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
Access to the entire federal government’s payment system.
A cat butt that looks like an elephant face.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
Ability to change the FAA traffic control system.
A turtle versus a frog.
Tortoise pic of the week
Wordle hint (SPOILER)
If you’re the other person who also started the Feb. 10 Wordle with RAITH, then MELON, then SOUPY, please contact me. We need to talk.
Song of the week
“Time Tough” by Toots & the Maytals
Do you have a question about etiquette?
Whether it concerns restroom conduct or something else entirely, the REC Etiquette Guide has all the answers!
Reply to this email, leave a comment, or send me a message, and I’ll respond in next week’s email.
Joan and I recently went to Zion for a lil getaway and were taking some pics at a little view point. A dude came up and started talking to me like we were friends. After 5 minutes of good but strange convo, we jetted off. I'll admit that in the moment, I was slightly off put and annoyed, but now that I think about it I sorta wish I would have talked more....Something something social media broke me! Team bird :)