An illustrated guide to public urinal etiquette
Bringing order to a chaotic world.
Public urination protocol in an age of chaos
I don’t know about you guys, but I sure feel like there’s a lot of disorder out there these days. It’s like some people think the rules don’t apply to them anymore.
Just yesterday, I witnessed a motorist fail to signal their intent to turn at an intersection! That’s perhaps the most bothersome recent example I can think of. This sort of flagrant disregard for law and order really makes you wonder what the world’s coming to.
Readers should know that I am an avid rule-follower. In fact, one of my passions is developing entire codes of decorum for mundane activities. Back when I washed dishes by hand, I used to imagine a proper conduct for guaranteeing equitable alternation while washing spoons, forks, and knives.12 No single type of silverware would be favored in the course of my labor.
I also bring this meticulous personal politesse to the most treacherous of settings: the public restroom. In the event I enter a restroom with a row of urinals, I abide by a private, unwritten etiquette guidebook that directs my decisions on which urinals to use. This etiquette, developed over years of experimentation and analysis, has kept me safe in delicate situations. You might not believe me, but it has probably saved my life more than once.
In this week’s email, I want to formalize this restroom code for the benefit of Ryan Email Club readers.
The Ryan Email Club Etiquette Guide: Chapter One, Section One is for the upstanding urinators. For those of you who prefer the comforts of a sitting commode over the convenience of the ole sneak-a-leak, it’s OK if you want to sit this one out (as is your wont). You’re welcome to follow along if you’re curious, but none of the proceeding information will be useful to you. As a conciliatory offering, here is substitution content that’s likely better-suited to your interests.
-Ryan
Ryan Email Club Etiquette Guide
Chapter One: Restrooms
Section One: Urinals
Ideal Scenario
An empty restroom! What luxury!
Technically, you can choose whichever urinal you want here, but the Ryan Email Club Etiquette Guide dictates that you take the urinal on the end farthest from the door. This ensures no one walks behind you while you’re expelling, and it affords any additional urinators multiple non-adjacent locations to choose from. Assuming the door is on the lefthand side in the above illustration, you should choose the far right option.
Scenario 2
Oops! Someone snuck into your preferred space before you could commit to your decision.
Lucky for you, this new interloper seems versed in RECEG restroom etiquette, having taken precisely the correct urinal as per Ideal Scenario protocol. This gives you a few different options now, but the best choice is the urinal on the far left. This provides maximum distance between yourself and the first-comer, which is a small courtesy your can offer to the person whose privacy you have disrupted.
Scenario 3
OK, the calculus has once again shifted. Someone else strolled in and committed a bit of a faux pas.
The person in the blue shirt should have taken the far left urinal, but instead they’ve elected to use the second from the left. This provides a more-than-adequate two-urinal berth for the first-comer, but it forces you, dear urinator, to crowd one of the two fellow urinators no matter which position you occupy.
Now you have to account for a number of variables. Which person seems like they would be most tolerant of your intrusion? Who seems most worthy of their personal space? Would choosing to stand next to one person potentially offend the other? These are just a few questions to consider in this split-moment, high-stakes gambit.
In this scenario, RECEG offers some flexibility. You may choose the far left, taking the first urinal you see when you enter, which makes the choice seem practical and objective. Or you may pass some time at the sink by washing your hands and waiting to see if this situation resolves itself. For my part, I prefer the latter.
Scenario 4
Well this is just strange. Some nutjob just walked in wearing nothing but their underwear and beelined it for the middle position. They don’t even have shoes on!
In theory, the guidance remains the same as it was for Scenario 3: Take the far left or pass time at the sink. But due to the unsettling presence of this possibly unhinged individual, I would invoke the Stall Contingency. This provision allows you to bypass the urinals and use a toilet stall in circumstances where the urinals are either completely occupied or otherwise unusable. RECEG advises shutting the stall door and keeping a low profile.
Scenario 5
Hold on a minute — is that comedy megastar Conan O’Brien? Oh my god, it is! You love Conan O’Brien! He’s the best!
Would it be weird if you got out of the toilet stall now to say hello? No no no. Just wait a minute, so it doesn’t look like you’re rushing out mid-defecation just to meet a celebrity in a public restroom. That’s a bad look. You’d look crazier than the underwear dude. Plus, it’s against everything the Ryan Email Club Etiquette Guide stands for.
Maybe don’t urinate though. You don’t want your toilet bowl commotions echoing throughout the restroom while a national treasure is trying to focus.
Scenario 6
Oh shit, a fucking polar bear just entered the restroom! Shit shit shit!
Stay in the stall! STAY IN THE STALL! Don’t try to be a hero! Even though late night icon Conan O’Brien is mortally threatened and screaming in terror, there’s nothing you can do to help him now. He’s at the mercy of this enormous killing machine.
RECEG is explicit about this: All you can do is silently pray and hope the pale-pelted beast’s bloodlust is satiated after savaging these four unfortunate souls.
Scenario 7
Huh. This is kind of unexpected. Conan O’Brien and the polar bear have struck up a conversation, and they’re actually kinda hitting it off!
This is seriously fascinating. I knew Conan O’Brien was one of the most gregarious men in Hollywood, but who knew his charm could mollify a polar bear?! What a legend.
Still, between the bear and the underwear guy, this is a precarious situation. It’s best to shelter in place for now and see how this plays out.
Scenario 8
WHAAAAAT. The guy on the far right just turned around, and it just so happens to be His Holiness The Dalai Lama! This is astounding!
Perhaps Conan O’Brien’s impeccable wit and the 14th Dalai Lama’s jovial aura have combined to subdue the polar bear’s violent instincts. And wouldn’t you know it? They all seem to be laughing and having a great time!
You just realized you could be out there yukking it up with the Dalai Lama, Conan O’Brien, and a polar bear right now! If only you had taken the time to study and practice the RECEG, you would have chosen a urinal more speedily. Now you’re stuck in a toilet stall watching the most amazing spontaneous restroom gathering of all time through the door crease. Ughhhhhhh why didn’t you read the RECEG more carefully???
Scenario 9
You’ve got to be shitting me. The weird underwear freak in the middle is
by !This is SO UNFAIR! Your worst enemy is now associating with the world’s greatest pee-pee posse, and there’s nothing you can do about it. That could’ve been you out there!
And oh yeah, they would’ve LOVED the name “pee-pee posse.” You could’ve been like, “Hey guys, we should call ourselves the pee-pee posse,” and you all would’ve laughed hysterically and high-fived each other. No doubt about it.
Scenario 10
Oh well that’s great, now they’re exchanging phone numbers so they can hang out later. Great. JUST. GREAT.
Now they’re all hugging and saying how fortunate they feel that they came together in this restroom.
And… no. No no no no no. I can’t believe it:
by just said, “We’re like the pee-pee posse!” And the Dalai Lama just gave them a fist bump! This is the worst moment of your life.Scenario 11
Welp. They’re all gone now. I guess if anything, you should get out of the toilet stall and use one of these newly-available urinals.
In this scenario, RECEG suggests either the far right or middle right urinal is appropriate to use. If anything, you’ll have the honor of using a urinal that was most recently occupied by the Dalai Lama or Conan O’Brien. Still kinda cool, right?
Scenario 12
Fuck it. Just piss in the alley out back.
Click Roulette
The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!
CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
A never-before-seen Emily Post screed excoriating people who wear those beercan helmets to the opera.
A 118-year-old French film about a dancing pig.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
An online store that used to sell everything, but now they just sell books.
Conan O’Brien negotiating to buy Greenland.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
A short story about a young woman who meets an older man who says he has a cat, but then she goes over to his place and he doesn’t have a cat, and that’s all that happens.
A glimpse of life in 1980s America.
Tortoise* pic of the week
Wordle hint (SPOILER)
I can’t believe they’re willing to use a word that describes a cow’s mammary gland, but they still refuse to make PENIS the word of the day.
Song of the week
“The Big Idea” by Lily Talmers
Buttons
This is actually true. I compulsively anthropomorphize objects, so I would imagine one type of silverware mounting a dignified protest against my perceived favoritism if I washed too much silverware of a different type. I would adjust my washing practices accordingly. Yes, I have seen a therapist.
Alternatively: forks, knives, and spoons; or knives, spoons, and forks; or spoons, knives, and forks; or knives, forks, and spoons; or forks, spoons, and knives. I want to emphasize that these alternate orderings are listed in no particular order.
My office urinal situation has exactly two side-by-side urinals and one stall.
The day after reading through RECEG, I entered the office bathroom, wherein I encountered exactly one senior manager using a urinal. As I pulled up next to him, my brain simultaneously flashed back to my RECEG reading as I said, "Hey, P---."
I briefly second-guessed my choice. Had I made an RECEG faux pas? But then I decided, nah, that'd be weirder, RECEG seems to only apply to strangers and celebrities and polar bears, not known work acquaintances? If I took the stall, that'd be weirder, as if I were deliberately trying to avoid him.
After working that out, and my business underway, I realized I had, in fact, made a social error. The senior manager's name was indeed a four-letter name beginning with P. But I called him by the wrong one, one of our other colleagues who's name begins with P and is four letters.
Aghast, I apologized and corrected myself. Awkwardly.
Hoping the RECEG has some guidance on the men who insist on pulling their under garments way below where it needs to be, voyeuristically exposing their ass. I work in a law firm with supposed PROFESSIONALS and this has happened more than once. Help me RECEG!