One compliment for every Email Club subscriber
But I won't tell you which one is yours.
And crown thy good with subscriberhood
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There’s an episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” called “Parallels,” wherein Worf is accidentally transported to an alternate universe that’s subtly distinct from his own — the kind of workday annoyance that constantly plagues Starfleet personnel. To return him to his universe of origin, the Enterprise crew finds a “quantum fissure” that’s bleeding out all sorts of alternate universes. All of a sudden, 285,000 Starship Enterprises appear in a unfathomable cluster.
[Ryan Email Club Note: If eyes glaze over at any point in the proceeding paragraph, Email Club readers are advised to skip to the next paragraph.]
Riker, who’s the captain of the Enterprise in this universe where the wayward Worf has been trapped, hails every ship and explains that they’re going to transmit “a certain quantum signature” to locate the Enterprise where Worf needs to be delivered so everything can go back to normal. They find the correct Enterprise and send OG Worf to OG Enterprise. But as Worf is in transit, one of the alternate Enterprises fires on Worf’s shuttle. This badly-damaged Enterprise hails the Enterprise that Worf just left, and a harried Riker with a full, unkempt beard appears on screen. In desperation, he explains that the vile Borg have taken over his universe, and he pleas for help. But the prim-and-proper Riker explains that’s not possible (for science reasons, I guess). Borg-besieged Riker cries out, “No! We won’t go back!” They fire on the indigenously placed Enterprise, and when they send return fire, a single photon torpedo blows up the entire broken ship. Everyone shrugs and Worf safely returns to the appropriate universe.
All of this is to say that, as I write this on my Monday afternoon perch in spacetime, I feel like there are 285,000 alternate universes floating in front of me. There’s not a lot I can write in a Tuesday newsletter for a world that could be completely changed come Wednesday.
But one thing that won’t change is the knowledge that I have a whole bunch of great friends who are great people.
It was probably a mistake to start a weekly newsletter one month before an especially terrifying election, but I’ve been grateful for the creative outlet and appreciative of your support, whether vociferous or tacit. I hope it’s been fun.
As a small token of my gratitude, here is a compliment for all 39 of my email-subscribed readers. Hopefully these are each identifiable to the intended recipients, but reach out to me if you’re curious enough to know for sure. Honestly a lot of these could apply to multiple people.
Reciprocal compliments are unnecessary but encouraged.
I don’t think I’ve ever met you, but you seem like a nice guy!
Your devotion to public service and your passion for your home community inspires me to be better. In fact, knowing you has made me better. You are a pure ray of sunshine in a world full of cynics, and I bask in your glow.
You’re a friend of friends who seems really cool, and you obviously have a quirky sense of humor I can appreciate.
You’re as intelligent as you are swole, in spite of a nasty insulin habit.
I respect and admire not only your sustained interest in Weezer, but also your fearlessly uncouth and raunchy sense of humor.
You’re uniquely talented and creative in ways I could never be. I really like how you bring a sense of fun to all your work and strong opinions to the most benign subjects. You’re just so fun to be around.
You were kind to me at a time when I especially needed it, and I’ll never forget that. I hope you’re still writing for yourself, because you’re really good at it.
You’re an easygoing and generous dude who’s hard not to get along with. And pretty darn funny to boot.
You’ve been a generous and warm-hearted friend from the moment I met you. You’ve unflinchingly helped me and my dumb tortoise in some critical transitory moments.
Another friend of friends who makes me laugh whenever we intersect. Nothing but good vibes from you.
Talking to you is always like sitting in a big comfy chair with a hot cocoa in hand. I love your self-deprecating sense of humor, but truthfully you’re one of the smartest people I know.
You’ve always been so open about yourself and encouraging towards me. You’re a brilliant mind with big ideas that deserve fruition, and you have all the talent to get it done.
You are, without a doubt, the most intelligent person I’ve ever met. I’d trust you to be in charge of anything, but especially a fantasy baseball team.
I’m bowled over by your craftiness and appreciate your sense of style, and I’m always tickled by your understated wit.
The way you pair your intellect with a deliciously acerbic wit is unparalleled among anyone I know. If anyone needs to start a Substack, it’s you.
Everyone around you would live a lonelier life without you. You have such a special knack for bringing people together.
Honesty and vulnerability just gush out of me whenever I get into a conversation with you. You’re just so insightful, so smart, and so funny.
We’ve been friends for so long that you feel like a slightly older brother to me. Your opinion matters a great deal to me. You’re also the best, funniest storyteller I know.
You are so kind and warm, and such an easy laugh. I’ve never felt like I needed to earn your approval — you accepted me from the day you met me, like a cousin.
You’re more clever than you probably realize. In the past year or so, it’s been inspiring to me to see you driven towards a goal and working so hard to make it a reality. Don’t give up!
I’ve always been blown away by your musical talent, but what really impresses me is just what a naturally sweet and friendly person you are.
You have such a unique way of seeing things that people tend to overlook how sneakily genius some of your ideas can be. Keep doing what you’re doing.
You have an ass that just won’t quit, Kevin.1
You have a playful sense of humor and an admirable sense of adventure. Your compassion seems boundless, both for people and dumb tortoises.
You are uncommonly generous to your friends, and you bring a steady hand and common sense to just about any situation.
You’ve probably saved my life more than once, in times when I felt especially irredeemable, and at a personal cost to yourself. Thank you. Also, you’re hilarious.
I really don’t know anyone like you. You’re the goofiest sometimes, and other times introspective and insightful. And oh my god I don’t know how you run that far.
I don’t know what I like better: your songs or your banter. I’m glad I get both in abundant supply. Thanks for being a great friend at a time when I just needed any friend at all.
You’ve got a smart brain and a conscientious soul. And you’re a warm person to be around — I think you gave me my first post-pandemic hug!
Whenever I’ve opened up to you, you are never shy about opening yourself up in equal proportion. You’re an empathetic person, and I’ve enjoyed every conversation we’ve had.
You have a knack for seeing humor in even some of the darkest subjects. You’re always reaching out to me and keeping me in your life, and I’m lucky to have you around.
You kept me sane in the deepest depths of bureaucratic drudgery with your humor and positivity. And you’re one of the few friends I have who would run a 10k with me on a moment’s notice.
I wish I were half as thoughtful as you are. It’s the little gestures that really get me: the shiny rocks, the surprise balls with fun facts, the cookies, the unsolicited mail. And you’re a great listener, too! Things feel easier when you’re around.
I don’t think I know you, but thanks for subscribing!
You’re one of my oldest friends, and I love that we’ve kept in touch. It’s been so exciting to see your career blossom the way it has, but even more exciting to see you blossom as a person/Jellystoner.
You’re a sweet person and creative in seemingly everything you do, from music to costumes to baked goods. You have a great voice, too!
I’ve just barely gotten to know you, but I’ve enjoyed talking to you and can tell you’re fun to be around.
I think I know who you are. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you, but everything I’ve heard (from a very reliable source) is aces. I hope we cross paths soon!
Thanks for subscribing, whoever you are!
-Ryan
Click Roulette
The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!
CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
An advertisement for Denny’s that just talks shit about IHOP.
A man juggling apples while he’s eating them.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
Footage of a colonoscopy with added sound effects for comedic effect.
Footage of a guy taking a girl to gamble on pig races for their first date.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
The music video for Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
A day in the life of a cat.
Tortoise pic of the week
Wordle hint (SPOILER)
In an effort to remind Wordle editors that PENIS still remains a potential word of the day, a British man has traced the world’s largest GPS penis in the mountains of Wales. Thank you, Terry.
Dream journal entry of the week
“Gum balls. I buy a bunch of gum balls. Someone asks me why, and I say you can never have enough, you’ll thank me later. And I keep handing them out and buying more.”
— Dream recorded on Sept. 12, 2021
Buttons
You’re also one of my best friends, and maybe the friend I feel most comfortable punting on complimenting just so I can throw a joke in the middle of a very sincere post. You’re hilarious, humble, and one of the most gregarious people I know. Stay away from my tortoise.
Devastated. My compliment is clearly lacking my best attributes. On the plus side, the compliments for the other 29 accounts I subscribed with are spot on.
Never felt more vindicated for this dump truck. Bless you <3