The Ryan Email Club needs a rap beef

Help me pick our new arch nemesis.

Nov 27, 2024

Biggie vs. Tupac. Jay-Z vs. Nas. Drake vs. Kendrick. These are all infamous rap beefs I found when I googled “infamous rap beefs.”

Drake vs. Kendrick is perhaps the biggest rap beef at the moment. Because Email Club readers look to this newsletter for moral clarity, I suspect many of you are desperate to know: Which side are you on, Ryan? Alas, the Ryan Email Club will not make an endorsement in this rap beef. Nor in any future rap beef.

We are returning to our roots of not endorsing rappers. In 1996 for understandable reasons at the time, we changed this long-standing policy and endorsed Coolio in his rap beef with “Weird Al” Yankovic. But we had it right before that, and this is what we are going back to.

My understanding of rap beefs is that they are lighthearted tits-for-tats among two mutually respected practitioners of the form. I base that partly on the blithesome amusement everyone seems to take from them, like those sportive zeitgeist debates à la Edward/Jacob or blue-black/white-gold. If there were any credence to the artists’ mortal threats and accusations of grievous wrongdoings, no responsible adult man would sincerely communicate such concerns in song form. Kendrick and Drake, for example, have alerted no authorities and filed no legal complaints, so that tells me all of their claims of horrendous sexual offenses are just a bit of playful ribbing.

And that’s the kind of synergetic fun I want to be having with a rival newsletter.

I have reviewed a number of respectable and revered newsletters, and I’ve identified three that I believe are prime candidates for baseless character assassination. Email Club readers: Please review this Axis of Evil and vote for the one you feel should be our new beef belligerent.

Infinite Baseball Card Set

uncovers obscure and bizarre tales in baseball history, which is eerily tailored to my sensibilities. It is written by

Gary Cieradkowski

, a name which, quite frankly, has too many letters.

In more ways than one, I’m ready to cut Gar-Cier down to size.

jo firestone’s passionate newsletter

Jo Firestone

is a personal comedy hero of mine. She is currently the head writer of “After Midnight,” and her newsletter muses on her “passions” of the week. In the most recent edition of

jo firestone's passionate newsletter

, she lists peanut butter M&Ms as a passion, calling them “peanut M&Ms with the work cut out.”

Here’s a new passion for you, Jo: hating the Ryan Email Club.

Healthy Rich

is an alternative, practical perspective on personal finance. In a recent post, author

Dana Miranda

gives advice for financially preparing for fascism.

Here’s another thing Dana should prepare for: brutal takedowns from the Ryan Email Club.

VOTE NOW

Have another newsletter in mind for beef? Let me know! I’m ready to start some shit.

-Ryan

Click Roulette

The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!

CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
- A dating app for former CEOs of failed pencil manufacturers.
- A somewhat phallic toilet paper holder shaped like a tortoise.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
- A true crime podcast hosted by a man who dresses as a pinecone, legally changed his name to Piney Pinecone, and is married to a pinecone named Pinelope Ann Pinecone. The podcast never mentions pinecones.
- A scientific exploration on the importance of calcium.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
- A think piece that explains why we’re doing it wrong.
- A story about feral rabbits taking over an elementary school.

Tortoise pic of the week

Wordle hint (SPOILER)

Here’s a robust discussion on the Wordle subreddit about why PENIS is the best starting word.

Eavesdrop of the week

“You literally smell like ramen.”

— Seattle woman recounting a bad experience with a drunk friend