To sit, or not to sit? A public transit predicament.
The patient merit of th'unworthy takes.
Taking it sitting
This week, Kavitha G. has a question for the Ryan Email Club Etiquette Guide:
I live in a cold, slightly repressed Nordic country. I occasionally take the metro, which is an incredibly clean, often pin-drop silent mass transit service in my city. I like to sit down on metro rides when there is space, but I never want to take up a seat when there is someone standing who needs it more. Is it presumptive of me to stand up when I see what I judge to be an "old" person enter the car? Last week an older woman waved me off, saying "nej, nej, nej" when I stood up for her. Does it make a difference if I don't make eye contact with them, so they don't have to think I gave my seat up for them? What is "old"? What about pregnant people? If Conan gets on the train should I stay seated? Should I never sit down, to avoid all possibility of awkwardness? Given the culture of silence in this country, it is impossible to negotiate these nuances in the moment with my fellow transit users, so I am turning to you, RECEG. Diagrams not absolutely necessary, but appreciated.
First of all, thank you Kavitha for this intertwined hexad of transit-related questions. It’s clear you’re someone who is routinely tortured by the most inconsequential social occurrences, which makes you relatable — and, incidentally, the perfect supplicant of the RECEG’s wisdom. I’d say you’ve come to the right place if therapy didn’t already exist.
Before I dive into each question, I just want to spend a moment appreciating the designed redundancy in your phrase, “cold, slightly repressed Nordic country.” You could take just two of those descriptors and arrive at the same handful of countries: “cold and Nordic,” “slightly repressed and Nordic,” “cold and slightly repressed.” It’s the same countries every time.
Here’s a diagram, as requested:
Is it presumptive of me to stand up when I see what I judge to be an "old" person enter the car?
In its chapter on public transportation, the RECEG recommends sitting only when the bus, train car, or other open seating transit space is at 75% seat capacity or lower. Because this is a Nordic country, the RECEG’s Cultural Considerations Key knocks that down to 50% or lower.
If you arrive at a stop and sense that the seating capacity may exceed the sitting threshold, it’s recommended that you stand, almost as though you are stretching or preparing to exit. As passengers come and go, they will naturally sort into sitters and standers. Let the “old” woman determine her preference outside of your courtesy. You can reassess the seating capacity as the vehicle shuts its doors and resumes forward motion.
If you see a group of teenage boys sitting down while an “old” woman is left standing, you are permitted to exchange knowing eye rolls with the older woman. This will build rapport in the event you and the woman must team up to shame and humiliate the teenage boys.
Does it make a difference if I don't make eye contact with them, so they don't have to think I gave my seat up for them?
If you leave your seat with the intention of offering it to another passenger, RECEG strongly urges you not to make eye contact. Eye contact insinuates a desire to be recognized for your virtuous act. It also communicates that you are strong and the other is weak, a fact that apparently was so observable that it provoked your pity, for which gratitude is now expected.
If you feel compelled to leave a seat open for a stranger, RECEG advises you to do so nonchalantly and without acknowledgement.
What is "old"?
In its supplementary unit on Philosophical Quandaries, the RECEG insists that “old” is relative and personalized. Virtually any given individual is chronologically older or younger than someone else, but certain experiences or revelations may provoke a feeling we describe as “old.”
For example, when I meet someone who’s a college graduate but was somehow born after 9/11 and has no memory of the World Trade Center towers falling down on live television, I feel old. Or if I’m playing on a recreational baseball team and one of my teammates tries to compliment me by saying I “pitch like Jamie Moyer,” that also makes me feel old. And making eye contact with a young woman on a bus who subsequently gets up and offers me her seat would make me feel dead inside.
Oldness is a feeling more than it is an immutable characteristic — which is something I plan on telling myself for at least the next 10 to 50 years.
What about pregnant people?
This is a somewhat controversial take from the RECEG, but essentially it makes no special exception for most pregnant people, unless the person is “noticeably tottering and panting, or is actively in labor.”
RECEG rationalizes that it may be difficult to determine whether a passenger is in fact pregnant, and carving out an exception for pregnant people may lead to an implicit bias that caters only to those who are visibly and/or unambiguously pregnant. Furthermore, some pregnant people may take umbrage to being accommodated, especially Nordic people inclined toward stoic temperaments. “Nej, nej, nej,” they’ll say to you as they glower out the window with a piercing, unaffected countenance while their water breaks.1
Therefore, it’s safer to reserve your kindness for those who are severely struggling to stand, regardless of cause.
If Conan gets on the train should I stay seated?
Again, RECEG makes no exception! Actually, the Cultural Considerations Key has a warning for anyone living in a Nordic country: Often, when people think they see American comedian Conan O’Brien, it’s actually the former Finnish President Tarja Halonen. In such a situation, RECEG advises against standing and yelling “Cock-a-ROOOOOO” for this very reason.
Should I never sit down, to avoid all possibility of awkwardness?
This advice comes from me, not the RECEG: Yes. Never sit down. Spare yourself the constant dishonor of resting. Everyone around you will respect your constitution. The least awkward thing you can do is always stand no matter what.
Do you have a question about etiquette?
Whether it concerns public transit or something else entirely, the REC Etiquette Guide has all the answers!
Reply to this email, leave a comment, or send me a message, and I’ll respond in next week’s email.
Click Roulette
The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!
CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
A painting of the eraser from “Eraserhead” that’s made of ketchup.
A sculpture of the alien from “Alien” that’s made of fresh vegetables.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
A Canadian and a Minnesotan each trying to figure out which one is the Canadian and which one is the Minnesotan.
A duck and a dog frolicking in a pond because they are friends.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
A possum.
An opossum.
Tortoise pic of the week
Wordle hint (SPOILER)
My current streak is 69. 😎
Song of the week
Eavesdrop of the week
“What’s a dosa?”
— Vancouver woman, walking on the sidewalk downtown with a glass of red wine in her hand like she owns the place
Buttons
I don’t know if it’s better or worse for me to bring this up, but this seems like a good time to mention that my grandmother was Polish.