The world is round, but the sandwich is flat

A fail-proof method to challenge my very correct assumptions.

Oct 15, 2024

Introductory apology section

I sent the first edition of the Ryan Email Club1 to several dozen people whose email addresses I remembered, and many of you opened it! Thank you! By this act of passive affirmation, you have been enrolled as full members of the Email Club and assume all responsibilities therein.2

One person texted me to make sure that the Email Club email actually came from me and wasn’t spam. I regret to inform this reader that the email both 1) came from me; and 2) is spam. I am sorry.

Some of you were dismayed that your preferred Click Roulette description was a fabrication. I am sorry. I tried to make the false ones sound patently undesirable, but I forgot the reason I was so confident in my friends’ continued readership: Many of you are sadists. I’ve added a new section to the email to accommodate your wishes.

One reader was disappointed at the lack of “nudes” and threatened to unsubscribe. I was going to apologize, but then I realized the tortoise in the “tortoise pic of the week” is buck-ass naked. So actually, you’re welcome. Scroll down for more nudity.

Personally, I found two instances of questionable subject-verb agreement. I am sorry.

Thank you for your feedback! Please never hesitate to reach out, send a message, leave a comment, or share this with someone else who likes emails.

-Ryan

Help me dispel my firmly-held beliefs

Last week I came across a video clip3 of a man explaining why he thought the world was flat. Talking to another man who appears to be a podcast host, he details an experiment that could be conducted to prove his point. Here are the steps, if you’d like to try it for yourself:

Get inside a helicopter.
Go up 15,000 feet.
Hover at 0 mph for several hours.
Go back down.

The man posits the helicopter, at the end of Step 4, will land at precisely the spot from which it took off. This is significant because, according to him, if the world were round and spinning, the helicopter should land miles behind its take-off location. Therefore, this proves the world is stationary and flat.4

OK look: I can’t rule out the possibility that this video was an out-of-context comedy bit that wooshed me. Still, I know there are people who believe easily disprovable falsehoods like this, and every time I come across someone like Helicopter Man, I’m invaded by the discomfiting thought that there are helicopter notions in my own head. What ideas am I holding onto that I haven’t sufficiently prodded? And what’s the right process for identifying those self-deceptions so I can correct them?

So I’m going to try to get ahead of the problem here. Below are nine beliefs I hold to be incontrovertible. As my friends, I want you to tell me which ones are wrong. Please be as forthright as possible, so I can do whatever is necessary to live a life rooted in the truth.

Thanks in advance.

Crocodiles and alligators are the same.
French fries can be eaten in perpetuity.
If tragedy plus time equals comedy, then comedy minus tragedy equals time.
Aliens exist, but we’ll never get together because they’ve already met someone else.
Weezer didn’t get worse. I got older.
If a donut doesn’t have a hole, it’s a cake.
Americans find certitude alluring, but they’re pathologically paranoid about being duped, so they only trust the most confident people who seem too dumb to dupe them.
Dogs are boys and cats are girls.
I don’t like wasabi.

Click Roulette

The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!

CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
- An eight-hour soundscape of cars honking and people with New York accents shouting insults at each other.
- A video of a dog growing increasingly impatient with the robot that feeds him.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
- The literal phone book.
- A video of a camel seeing himself on camera for the first time.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
- A video of Raygun breakdancing.
- A video of Raygun absolutely slayyyyinnggggggg.

Wish fulfillment

From last week’s Click Roulette:

An Instagram post from a sandwich influencer announcing they will be taking a break from sandwiches.

5andb1tch Hey everyone. You’ve probably been wondering why I haven’t been posting about sandwiches lately. I gotta be real with you guys: I think I’m done with sandwiches for a while. 😬 DONT #WICHHUNT ME 😬 Last week while I was attending #wichcontopeka, I was talking to @2bread1meat and @git-r-BUN about how AI technology is going to be a game-changer for the sandwich community (MARK MY WORDS), and it made me realize the magic is gone. I just don’t have the same passion for the art form I used to have. Honestly, I’ll never return to the blazing intensity I felt a couple months ago when I microdosed on my San Pedro cactus and made 117 ham-and-cheese-on-ryes before cracking the mustard quotient (link in bio). Ever since that day, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions, like: What is the nature of existence? Where does the self end and the universe begin? Is meaning just an illusory construct of a conscious mind? Do sesame seeds actually taste like anything? I don’t know if it was the mustard or the San Pedro cactus, but that experience really opened up my mind. My life is on a new course now, one that isn’t bookended by a slice of bread on each side. For now, I’m breaking free of the sandwich paradigm and exploring the limitless possibilities of an open-faced cosmos. So, goodbye for now. I’ll miss you all, but I need to step away for my own self-care. BTW: follow my new account @bey0ndthecrust and order FRESH MERCH on my Redbubble store (link in bio). ❤️ #love

Tortoise pic of the week

Wordle hint (SPOILER)

Wordle uses a list of 2,309 words. One day, they will have no choice but to make PENIS the word of the day.

Eavesdrop of the week

“I have to be careful. I have a wine tasting later this week.”

— Seattle man at brunch