Checking in on our New Year's dissolutions
How are we doing at doing bad?
Failing to fail
Longtime Ryan Email Club readers may remember that, at the outset of this year, I introduced a concept I called the “New Year’s dissolution.” As opposed to a New Year’s resolution, a dissolution would be a declared intention to diminish in some facet of life, such as health or character. A New Year’s dissolution is win-win, because while achieving your dissolution is a categorical success, failing to follow through means you’ve succeeded at avoiding personal degradation.
In January I concocted 17 New Year’s dissolutions for myself. So far, I’m happy to report that all of my dissolutions have resulted in unmitigated triumph! In some areas I have deliberately declined as a human being (success), and in others I’m on an unexpected upward trajectory (also success).
Let’s take a look at a handful of my New Year’s dissolutions and review my digression.
Gain 150 pounds before summer
Thrilled to announce that I’ve gained 163 pounds since January! I am eating nothing but Cheezies, which are a Canadian and superior version of Cheetos, and drinking nothing but egg nog, which was difficult but not impossible to find in British Columbia, where Christmas movies are filmed year round. When progress was slow in the early going, I increased my intake of both these staple items and started dipping the Cheezies in coconut oil.
Because my specialized performance diet is so dependent on Canadian imports, geopolitical tensions could threaten my progress. This is the one and only concern I have about politics at the moment.
Forget how to play guitar
Literally what is a G chord?
Start smoking
I haven’t gotten started just yet, but I’m cautiously working up to it. Initially I would hold a pretzel rod in my mouth and pretend-puff it, just to get a feel for the habit and aesthetics of smoking. Then I added Zyn pouches to the regimen — one at first, then gradually working up to seven pouches at a time.
Currently I’m waiting for the persistent nausea and paranoia to subside before I transition to the next phase, which is learning how to fillet a salmon and brine the cuts.
Quit running
I haven’t left my couch since February 9. The mere thought of moving swiftly from one position in space to another induces mild vertigo. My resting heart rate has increased to 132 bpm, which means sitting has become my primary cardio training. In a sense, I’ve never been more active.
Read fewer books
I don’t even read this newsletter.
Be more present on social media
I’ve really struggled with this one, to be honest. I started out by posting hourly to multiple platforms about my progress on various New Year’s dissolutions, and the feedback was less than encouraging. My followers were spewing hurtful vitriol such as “This is really unhealthy,” and “Please stop doing this to yourself.” It made me feel kinda bad, so I stopped posting as much. It turns out social media invites a lot of negativity.
Scare more children
I’ve been putting a lot of effort into this one, but it’s hard to say if it’s paying off. I’ve spent a lot of time making phone calls and writing letters to children, laying out a detailed account of how previous generations, including my own, have sabotaged their chances at living a comfortable and prosperous existence. I tell them us older people will subdue their ability to counteract our malevolence by holding onto power beyond the age when our cognitive decline is outwardly apparent.
However frightening and persuasive I can be, this narrative just doesn’t seem to be landing with toddlers.
Read more of jo firestone's passionate newsletter by Jo Firestone
OK, you know what, I have read a few more of these newsletters, and it’s fine. I enjoy the reader contributions. It makes me think, “What are my passions?” Then I realize I have none, and I feel myself redirecting my self-hatred into a toxic beef energy with
by , and the cycle of strife continues.This might be the only New Year’s dissolution where I can claim neither success nor failure, which only reinforces my fervent beef with this totally acceptable newsletter.
Choose and commit to a New Year’s dissolution
I have decided that whichever one I’ve accomplished by the end of the year is the one I retroactively committed to at the beginning of the year.
Ryan Email Club readers: Have you made any progress/digress on your New Year’s dissolutions? Let me know how it’s going! Let’s celebrate and support our achievements!
Shouts and plugs
There are two things I wanted to share this week, one from a Friend of the ‘Stack and another from myself:
Anchorage-based readers: This week, Juneau-based Perseverance Theatre is bringing several performances of “The Thanksgiving Play” to the UAA Fine Arts Mainstage Theater in Anchorage. The play is directed by Frank Henry Kaash Katasse, who you may know from his writing credits on “Molly of Denali” and “Alaska Daily.” More info here. (Thanks to Kristen R. for the tip!)
Do you like my writing? Do you think I do a good job with all the grammar, spelling, and vocabulary? Well, in large part you should be thanking language arts teacher Matt Thomas for that. Mr. Thomas (I can’t in good conscience call him Matt) was my 8th grade English teacher. I had a lot of great teachers throughout all of my schooling, but Mr. Thomas was my favorite and most influential teacher. Last night I found out he was badly injured in a cycling accident, and he has a long recovery ahead of him. I could write a long, gushing ode about all the ways this man has left an impression on me with his fearless, compassionate approach to education. I’m not the only one who feels this way: Last year, Mr. Thomas was one of three finalists for Indiana’s Teacher of the Year (and the winner in my heart). If you want to support the man who inspired this humorous time-wasting email writer, please consider chipping in a few dollars at his GoFundMe as a way of saying thanks for making the Ryan Email Club possible. Consider it a one-time, pay-as-you-are-able subscription fee for the REC.
Click Roulette
The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!
CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
A pictoral guide to all the arbitrarily selected tattoos that qualify you to be sent to a death camp operated by a Central American dictatorship.
A man doing yoga in a kilt who comes so close to showing us his balls.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
A statement from the emperor of the penguins of the Heard Island and McDonald Islands, in which she announces retaliatory tariffs against U.S. imports.
Sam Rockwell’s monologue in “The White Lotus,” which is one of the greatest moments in television history.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
A photo of Jeff Bezos before his handlers inflate him in the morning.
A man laying an egg with his mouth. (This one really bothers me on a deep subconscious level that I don’t totally understand, but I’m including it to honor Claire S. and her aberrant sense of humor.)
Do you have a question about etiquette?
Whether it concerns public transit, public urinals, or something else entirely, the REC Etiquette Guide has all the answers!
Reply to this email, leave a comment, or send me a message, and I’ll respond in next week’s email.
Tortoise pic of the week
Wordle hint (SPOILER)
I keep running out of guesses. Maybe BIALY is a bad opening word?
Song of the week
“The Hukilau Song” by Alfred Apaka