My tortoise is a jerk

Let's try to say something nice about him anyway.

Nov 13, 2024

Introductory apology section

I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Thank you to everyone who reached out to commiserate last week. Expect the Ryan Email Club to delve further into our ongoing crisis with hasty analyses, desperate rationalizations, and righteous blame-spirals in the months and years to come. For now, I choose to privately marinate in the mystery of our collective moral failure. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, but don’t lose sight of the seriousness of this moment.

And no, I’m not talking about Raygun’s retirement(?). But in normal times I would be! Thank you to the several of you (Rose H. and Arianna K., specifically) who alerted me to the news, even though I suspect your condolences were somewhat sarcastically packaged. I absolutely will write more about Raygun soon.

-Ryan

‘Complimaints’ for a real dick of a turtle

Tután the tortoise sulks as he comes down from another drug binge.

In last week’s Email Club email, I set out to ingratiate myself to my readership by complimenting every single subscriber. (Thanks to all of you who so kindly responded!)

Adelyn B. was suspicious of my outpouring of appreciation: She theorized that every compliment was actually meant for my pet Freedom tortoise1, Tután.

I need to dispel Adelyn’s accusation: The compliments were genuine and individualized, and NONE OF THEM were for Tután. Obviously he’s an integral portion of every Email Club email, but I didn’t compliment my tortoise for two reasons: 1) He’s not a subscriber; and 2) he’s an asshole.

Maybe you think that’s harsh language for a docile critter with a vegan diet, but you don’t know this sentient tree stump like I do. Every day, I wake up and walk into my living room and say, “Good morning, Tután!” And he glares over his proverbial shoulder and side-eyes me like I’m about to make a pitch for donating to The Nature Conservancy.

When I touch him, he hisses at me. When I give him a bath, he hisses and squirms uncooperatively. He eats like Kobayashi at a salad bar, and he shits like Kobayashi after a competitive salad-eating contest. Sometimes he tries to fuck his food bowl, which he eats out of and occasionally shits on. He’s just a hot mess of a reptile.

Recent events bolster my case. Today I took him to the vet to get his beak trimmed.2 The veterinarian and her two assistants were all in agreement: This turtle sucks. He hissed the entire time we were in the examination room, prompting one assistant to ask, “Wow, is he always like this?” And as the vet tried in vain to pry his stupid little head out of his shell, she felt compelled to mention that her own male Freedom tortoise was much friendlier, lest the assistants get the wrong impression of tortoises from this unfortunate example.

After a few minutes of struggling with this beacon of obstinance, the vet gave up and announced that she’d have to anesthetize Tután to safely examine him and trim his beak.

“We’ll basically get him stoned,” she explained.

“Good,” I replied. “He needs to chill out.”

With the added anesthesia, my trip to the vet ended up costing $430. At that price, it would’ve been cheaper to throw him in the trash and buy a new tortoise. But I decided to go through with the procedure, reasoning that I could make him work off his debt by loaning him out as a carbon-neutral lawn mower.3

So yes, I am very down on my half-shelled dope fiend squatter. But I actually do think it would be beneficial for our regrettable coexistence if I could come up with a few nice things to say about him.

So I’m going to take a few of my complaints and reimagine them as compliments — or “complimaints,” if you will. Deep breath, here we go:

Complimaints for Tután

Tután eats a very healthy diet that’s full of fiber.
Tután sticks to his guns and won’t cave to peer pressure, unless someone gives him drugs.
Tután exceeds his severe intellectual limitations by demonstrating a basic recognition of the human who feeds and houses him.
Tután displays admirable persistence every time he gets stuck in a corner and tries to noisily dig through solid, impenetrable barriers.
Tután’s affection must be earned, if it can be earned at all.
He’ll probably outlive me.

If you have something nice to say about Tután, leave a comment below. I’ll pass it along to him, but he will not care.

Click Roulette

The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!

CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:
- A 10-hour YouTube video of a man zooming in and out of a map of Pennsylvania and incessantly repeating, “Now this is really interesting.”
- A collection of photos featuring glam bats.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:
- A dog barking out the Gettysburg Address.
- Honestly the best marble run maze I’ve ever seen.
CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:
- The “terms and conditions” page for an app that tells you whether something is an umbrella or not an umbrella
- A video of a procession of geese marching to the tune of “Oh When the Saints Go Marching In.”

Tortoise pic of the week

Wordle hint (SPOILER)

The word PENIS has two vowels and three common consonants, making it an advantageous opening Wordle word.

Quote of the week

“I know what you’re saying.”

— Seattle store clerk, responding to me accidentally saying, “It just feels like a season for incest,” after she asked me why I was shopping for incense.