The Onion rejected these headlines I wrote

Area Man Not Good Enough

Introductory apology section

Man oh man, it has been a crazy week on my end, so I’m going to have to use one of my “Lazy Rehash of Old Material” cards on this week’s email. I am sorry.

I was just about to begin this email with a complaint about how my moneyjob pulls me away from my dear Ryan Email Club readers, but honestly it’s getting to the point where having a job is kind of a fortunate thing. I have friends and acquaintances who very recently have been told to stop doing their jobs, for no reason other than the kind of work they were doing seemed unimportant to a man who doesn’t spend a ton of time thinking about consequences. I fear that, as a result, we may see a significant uptick in consequences in the not-so-distant future. I am so sorry for my friends, but even more sorry for all of us who will have to keep on living in a modern, integrated world without these highly skilled, knowledgeable public servants saving us from the consequences of our actions.

I was unemployed for a long spell in 2018. Eventually desperation and severe imprudence led me to the Alaska news factory — which ended up working out for me in ways I never could have imagined. But before I succumbed to the coldness, one of the many jobs I applied for was a writing fellowship at The Onion.¹ (That’s right: Before I jumped into real news, I tried to get a job in fake news.) Sadly, The Onion never contacted me for follow-up. But part of the application asked me to write 25 Onion-style headlines, and I was proud enough of my drafted headlines that I kept them filed away on my Notes app.

What follows are 32 Onionish headlines I wrote in 2018. If interest in one or more of these headlines surges among REC readers, I may feel compelled to write an accompanying news brief.

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My rejected Onion headlines

Actual photo of me in 2018 reckoning with my failure to impress The Onion. (Source)

1. Worker Ant Pretty Sure Queen Ant Full Of Shit

2. Maple Tree Really Showing The Fuck Off This Fall

3. Study Finds You Can Only Gain One Pound From Eating One Pound Of Fudge

4. Anonymous Twitter Account Is Totally Brad

5. Man Treats Self To Toilet Instead Of Urinal

6. More Employers Are Allowing Workers To Masturbate From Home

7. Woman Doesn't Normally Post Stuff Like This on Facebook

8. Self-Checkout Machine Quietly Judging Customers' Purchases

9. Knee Pillow Wishes It Were Head Pillow

10. Couple Experimenting With Ethically Non-Monogamous Non-Relationship

11. Man Wonders If Blockchain Technology Can Be Used To Fill Void In Life

12. Kid's Science Project Just A Fucking Jar of Acorns

13. Mom Picks Everyone To Win March Madness

14. Vegetarian Tells BBQ Host Potato Chips, Hot Dog Buns 'Delicious'

15. Hot Shot Brings Own Putter To Mini Golf Course

16. Woman Gives Up For Lent

17. Family Christmas Letter Recasts Dad's DUI As 'Blessing In Disguise'

18. Chess Heavyweight Too Heavy At Pre-Match Weigh-In

19. Tenth Caller On Radio Show Actually Only Caller

20. Janitor Seen Bigger Turds Than That One

21. Tulsa Artist Claims Tulsa Art Scene On Par With Topeka, Omaha, Des Moines

22. Grandma Won't Stop Pickling Shit

23. New Poll Shows No One Cares About Derek's Trip To India

24. Man's Disappointment in Career Path Manifests Itself In Wacky Tie Collection

25. Study: Four Out Of Five Americans Looking Forward To Taking Off Pants

26. New iPhone Tastes Better Than Previous Models

27. Starbucks, Procter & Gamble Introduce Old Spice Latte

28. Blacksmith Worries Today's Youth No Longer Interested In Blacksmithing

29. Fart, Fake Cough Perfectly Timed

30. TV Executive Wonders Why There No Shows About TV Executives

31. God Forgets To Set Up Prayer Auto-Reply Before Going On Vacation

32. Scientists Discover New Layer Of Resentment In Your Mother

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Click Roulette

The below links match one of the two descriptions provided for each. Click at your own peril!

• CLICK HERE FOR LINK ONE. This is either:

  • A list of concrete steps that nations can take to convince the United States to rescind their tariffs.

  • A cockroach running on a treadmill.

• CLICK HERE FOR LINK TWO. This is either:

  • Justin Trudeau’s Bumble profile, which isn’t getting much play because it says he’s unemployed and all his photos are selfies taken in the sporting goods section of a Canadian Tire.

  • A collection of finalist photos for the 2024 Comedy Wildlife Awards.

• CLICK HERE FOR LINK THREE. This is either:

  • An unedited video of a 25-hour speech delivered by Shia LaBeouf at the drive thru of an In-N-Out Burger.²

  • A turtle getting scared while watching a nature documentary.

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Do you have a question about etiquette?

Whether it concerns public transit, public urinals, or something else entirely, the REC Etiquette Guide has all the answers!

Reply to this email, leave a comment, or send me a message, and I’ll respond in next week’s email.

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Tortoise pic of the week

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Wordle hint (SPOILER)

There are 15 words that begin with “P” and end with “IS.”

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Song of the week

“How Do You Get By” by Cornelia Murr

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Eavesdrop of the week

“If I had to have a last meal, it’d probably be sushi because you can get so much variety.”

— Seattle man on a bus, reflecting on what he might have for lunch if the justice system ever sentences him to death

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Buttons

1. By the way, The Onion still offers writing fellowships! You can apply here. The deadline is April 11. It’s kinda quaint and comforting to know that a satirical newspaper can afford to maintain a fellowship program.

2. I had to google “even stevens kid” because I couldn’t remember his name. I am so tired.